Too late for goodbye

I tried to make it, I really did. I got a blister on my foot trying. But the airplane was late and I missed my connection. So I spent a night in Las Vegas waiting for another flight. My original flight would have landed at 7:07a.m. She died at 8:45a.m.

She wanted it that way. My mother never did like to say goodbye to me. In fact she would start an argument with me everytime we had to part. It was as if my mom needed to justify leaving me, that somehow it was good that she was leaving because we just couldn't get along or something.

I didn't at the time, but I realize now that it was a mental mechanism for her. A way of coping with having to part.

I said my goodbyes to my mom long ago in some ways. Those times when there is needed separation from such a powerful force in your life. And then I said goodbye a couple of months ago when I knew she was starting to die. I knew and she knew, but it was a secret between us....as mother and daughter....as nurses. We knew she was entering this new phase of her life and had frank discussion about it. Well as much as we could without going into tears, and maintaining our safe distance from one another. It was intimate but not revealing.

That was the nature of our relationship, much love, much respect, much admiration and maybe even appreciation.....but none of that was said. It wasn't stated. We just didn't, couldn't communicate on that level....it was a loss to both of us.

Today my brother and I did the memorial service arrangements. Nothing fancy, but decent enough, all the important elements in place. That too is much like her. All the basics nothing fancy.

But I tell you she was well loved. So many people knew her and loved her. I do too. I really will miss my mom. But the things I do, the joy, the laughter I have reminds me so much of her. It is the gift she has passed along to me. The gracious gift that I hope to pass on to my children.

Many mothers and daughters have difficulties with one another. And believe me, were no different. But right now all those things seem insignificant. I just want her back. That's all. I can take all of her idiosyncracies to hear her great laugh.

But in my mind, in my soul, I can hear it. Praise God.