A Wake Up

This day I no longer have my mother to call on the phone. There are not just miles between us there are worlds. Perhaps that has been true most of my life. The twists and turns of our relationship have never been healed. And now she is gone.

And because of that tumultuous relationship, I worry about my own mother/daughter relationship. I worry that I fail my daughter. Not in the same ways my mother failed me, but in different ways.

Sometimes I can't hear her in her silence. Sometimes I cannot calm the fears that reside within her. Sometimes I just don't know when to hang on and when to let go. She and I are different and the same. I know that she needs to be held, because I do too when I'm lonely, or scared, or sad. I know that words just aren't enough for her sometimes, that she sees beyond words to body language and sincerity. And yet I see too, how words are a valuable commodity to her as well. I fail her though. I know she likes predictability and often I am inconsistent. I know she likes calmness, and I am intense. I know she likes to know plans and I am horrible at planning.

Today, when she woke up she came downstairs and the first words out of her mouth were "Happy Mother's Day!" She said these words with a sparkle in her eyes, then she promptly plopped down on the couch to wake up some more.

I laid beside her on the couch holding her. And I said,

"Thank you for making me a mother."

"But I didn't make you a mother, Thom did."

"You made me a different kind of mother. You made me a cuddly and quiet mother."

I nuzzled into her and held tighter. Again I said, "Thank you, Mikayla" She beamed.


Sometimes I get it right. And sometimes I am just the mother Mikayla needs. I know that I won't always love her perfectly, but these moments remind me that I can be the best mother I know how to be. And so my hope is to have the grace and love to become what we both need.