Mother's don't break hearts, do they?

A little sad today. At least it didn't really hit me till now.

Of course I don't know if it is related to my mom, tough words that I needed to say that my husband didn't want to hear, or all the friends I will miss from seminary. I don't know.

I do miss my mom. I thought about getting out her yearbook and recording her memories onto computer files so I could preserve them for my children. But, I never got around to it.

It's not that my day hasn't been busy. I am currently covering a 4 ft. paper lantern in blue and green tissue paper to represent the Earth. It is part of a decoration for the Baccalaureate service.

That's another thing. I don't really want to leave school. Because then, I have to face reality, and I'm not so sure I'm ready to do so. Seminary was like permission to take care of myself; to be number one for a change, instead of putting everyone elses needs first.

Guess that's the thing that maybe I'm sad about. My mother taught me to sacrifice myself at all costs, as if I what I wanted didn't matter. This is what she did. Of course, it did make her quite abusive, as soon as all that pent up rage was unleashed. So I have spent my childhood and much of my adulthood sacrificing my own desires for my mother.

Then I put my husband's needs above my own, and then my kids. I was always last. And it seems that at times I don't even know where to begin to claim my freedom back. It all seems overwhelming.

And yet, my soul has been crying for years to be free, through depression, through artistic expression, through desparately wanting to run away. At seminary I had true freedom, and I dread having to go back to hardly any.

I made it this way, so how do I unbreak it, without breaking hearts.