See-saw Self

For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it in patience.
Romans 8:24-25

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things left to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

I need to be reminded right now of God's perfect love for me though I love imperfectly. I can never measure up to the expectations placed on me as clergy.

This role that I have taken on, which I see as merely being available to God and God's people 24/7, is full of expectations I cannot possibly meet.

First of all there is the above job description. After all, I have a hard time praying. I focus on things that don't matter. And sometimes I am blindsided to people's needs.

Secondly, I must keep reminding myself of the people God chose to speak his words. When I remember David, Paul, Thomas, Deborah, Mary, I feel better knowing that God doesn't choose perfect people to speak through, more like perfectly flawed people. Well there you have it again.....God chooses a perfectly flawed woman to speak through. And so I struggle with my imperfect nature.....difficult nature, sinful nature despite knowing that I am truly called.

Politicians always worry about their public image. Hah!! try worrying about your public/private/self/spiritual images all at once......I think I need a PR angel.

Paul must have understood all this. After all, why would God call him. He was an egotistical zealot who killed, blamed, and tortured others. So I love it that Paul comes up with the notion that in hope we were saved. And since God is the one who "saves" us......it must be God who does the hoping. Hoping that we'll get a clue. Hoping that we will be of some use to the hurting world.

And so it is important that we know that NOTHING separates us from the love of God. So God hopes I am open enough to be of use. That I don't block the Spirit by self-wallowing, self-pity, self-denial, self-deprecation, self-esteem, self-aggrandizement......as a matter of fact self-opinion interferes with listening and being open to the Spirit's guidance.

So it is a delicate balance between self-awareness so that I may improve my actions toward love. And self-less-ness so that God may enter in and heal myself, others, and the world.

I need to tip the scales a bit I think.