Memorial Day Sermon

What’s a more appropriate subject to speak about on Memorial Day but freedom? Each Memorial Day we remember those in our country who have fought for the freedom we stand for as Americans; and this is a good and right thing to do. Long before Memorial Day was a national holiday,
a famous forefather said this,
“Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.” When John Quincy Adams said this I am sure he had no idea how many generations would defend our freedoms. And though on this day we remember soldiers who fought for our freedoms and sacrificed their lives, we know that countless others have fought on the side of freedom in other ways.
By no means is the fight for freedom a new concept, for many passages in the Bible speak of freedom, and indeed Christ himself fought for our freedom and even offered the great sacrifice of his life. But how to we honor such sacrifices for our freedom? How do we honor those who have sacrificed so that we would have freedom?


Perhaps a clue is the in the hope of John Quincy Adams, that we will make good use of it.
Paul writes of the freedom of Christ often in his letters to the newly formed Christian communities he interacted with. One such community was the church in Corinth. However, the church in Corinth was becoming divided as controversies brewed over matters of personal freedom and choice in the context of the freedom of Christ and the law.
Corinth was a city along a major trade route. It sits along the Mediterranean Sea with access to Jerusalem, Syria, Rome, Athens and other major cities of import at the time. Because of this it became a city with much diversity as traders from these trade nations settled there. We know that Corinth in Paul’s time, was the home for Jews, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Persians that settled there as traders, slaves, freed slaves, business owners and other class designations. These settlers brought with them various religions and so Jews, Christians and those who worshiped other gods or had no god interacted with one another.


And indeed the church of Corinth held many converts to Christianity from various religions. The mixture of race, class, and religious background of the congregation led to many controversies in the church as they decided what the freedom of Christ meant in a community of believers.
One such controversy was over eating meat sold in the market. Much of the meat sold in the market at Corinth came from temples where animals were sacrificed to various gods. Some of the church members at Corinth thought eating such meat was a sin, since it had been dedicated to idols and thus would be akin to worshiping another god to consume it. Others believed that since they were confident that idols and these gods were false, there was no harm in consuming this meat. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians weighed both of these arguments with his understanding of God and the grace brought to humanity through Christ. Paul argued that all creation is God’s; that everything of God is good and cannot be tainted by human thought. He captured this notion with the saying, “all things are lawful.” However, Paul qualified this statement with a “but”


“All things are lawful,” but not all things are beneficial. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

What I believe Paul was saying is that while our actions cannot harm God or God’s grace to us through Christ, “nothing separates us from the love of God” we can harm each other through our actions. While most of the arguments about the eating of meat occur in the part of the letter we designate as Chapter 8, Paul brings it to the forefront again later in Chapter 10 but this time as a metaphor to be broadened and applied to the exercise of other freedoms we may have.
I have a friend who was in Desert Storm, the first military action in Iraq. At the time he was in Saudi Arabia. His unit was invited by locals to a feast as an act of hospitality. As leader of his unit, he was offered the choicest part of the meal. A roasted goat’s head was placed before him, intact with the face sitting forward to him. The skull was detached and he was offered flatbread and it was explained to him that he was to take the honor of having the first taste of the brain, a delicacy. Now this was a tough decision for him.


He didn’t want to eat this. He had the freedom to say thanks, but no thanks. He had the freedom to explain to the Saudi’s how this was not something he was accustomed to and refuse. But, and here is Paul’s but again. But my friend knew that this was a gesture of honor, a gesture of hospitality, a gesture of possible friendship, and to exercise his freedom to choose not to eat roasted goat brain was a refusal of all of these good things that were tied up with it. He chose not to exercise his freedom because it was not the right thing to do in the situation. Instead he chose the path of love and ate the goat brain, which he described as different but surprisingly not as disgusting as anticipated.
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are beneficial. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Do not seek your own advantage, but that of the other.
In nursing school I met a woman who told me the part of the reason she became a nurse. Three years earlier while babysitting at a neighbor’s house, she heard a knock at the door. As she opened the door she was greeted by a 13 year old wielding a knife. She was stabbed over 20 times but managed to fend off her attacker, protect the children and call 911.

She spent weeks in the hospital. It was her right to pursue criminal charges. It was her right to ask that this boy be sent to jail. But, instead she asked that he get help. She asked that this 13 year old boy be protected from himself and others through treatment rather than jail. And then she chose to be a nurse, to heal others from pain and suffering whether physically or mentally. She could have exercised her freedom; she chose not to and gained other freedom.
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are beneficial. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Do not seek your own advantage, but that of the other.
In this country there is a lot of talk about rights, specifically our first amendment rights; freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly and freedom of speech. These are good rights to have, great freedoms to have, and are worth fighting for. These freedoms define what it is to be American. But freedom as Paul asserts needs to be exercised cautiously and with a level of maturity.




You are able to say almost anything you want in this country, but should you?
Just turn on the TV, and you will be able to see hours of commentators on the government, on people, on culture, on religion, exercising their right to free speech. Some of them exercise this right responsibly, but many don’t. Responsible rhetoric does not bring ratings. And ratings drive the system; the more outrageous the speech, the more inflammatory the accusation, the bigger the ratings.
But I have to ask, are these shows beneficial to America? Do they build up our nation? Or do they divide us further. Consider your own freedom to turn the channel.
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are beneficial. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Do not seek your own advantage, but that of the other.





Another famous American had this to say about responsibly exercising our freedoms. Her name was Eleanor Roosevelt. “Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility.” She goes on. “For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry his own weight, this is a frightening prospect.”
Paul writes of the maturity we must have with the freedom of Christ. This maturity is known to us as the fruit of the Spirit as described by Paul in his letter to the Galatians. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It is within this level of maturity in which we can truly be free. The law Christ left for us was to Love God and Love Neighbor. The freedom he gave us was to be unbound from separation from God. The legacy that is ours is to become mature in Christ, to allow the fruit of the Spirit to grow in us. And only then will we truly know freedom.

“All things are lawful,” but not all things are beneficial. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Do not seek your own advantage, but that of the other.

When we exercise our freedoms responsibly, when we love both God and neighbor in the exercise of our freedoms or the choice not to exercise our freedoms, when the fruit of the Spirit informs our actions, then we will make good use of our liberty.
The American Government gives us our rights, defends our rights, and clarifies our rights. But only we as individuals can exercise our rights. But, always remember the but. We are free, but, we need to be responsible. We are free, but we need to consider joy and peace. We are free, but we need to exercise self-control. We are free, but we need to be generous with others. We are free, but we need to have patience. We are free, but we need to act with love and kindness. We are free, but we need to act out of our faith.

Only then, will we be the hope of our forefathers, only then will we be the hope of Paul, only then will we be the hope of Christ. “ Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.”

Lenten 2011 Sermon

In this passage we just read, God demands that the prophet Isaiah, "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the descendants of Jacob their sins."

I just finished a retreat with the youth. And like most youth retreats there are late nights and early mornings. Well, early for teenagers. So, at 8:00a.m. in the morning my voice sounded like a trumpet to wake them up from their peaceful slumber.

These words given to Isaiah from God are a wake up call. The nation of Israel is slumbering. They are doing all that they are supposed to do, fasting and praying, keeping the sabbath, worshiping and being humble before their God. And yet, God seems farther than ever to them.

I know those of you in attendance tonight are faithful people of God. The kind of people who pray, read their Bibles, and go to church on Sundays. And maybe even some of you do other disciplines like fasting or meditation. These are all things that can get you closer to God; to know what God is doing in your life and how you are being transformed.

But sometimes we do these things because we think it is what we ought to do. Or perhaps we do these things because it is what we've always done or what someone else wants us to do.

Spiritual disciplines like these can often become like driving to us. We get into our cars and the destination is ahead of us. We know the way to where we are going because we go there every day; to the store, to work. We drive the same roads, it takes the same time, and the same predictable stoplights get in the way. This is good, we can relax, get absorbed in our thoughts, in the music, perhaps even sneak in a txt. Oh, none of you would ever do that! But I bet many of you have arrived at your destination without remembering the details of the drive.

I know I have. There have been many times where I've been so absorbed in other things that I don't remember the drive at all to work. Or worse, being too busy focusing on other things that I find myself stopping short to avoid an accident.

With our spiritual disciplines it can be the same thing. I don't know how many times I have started to read a chapter of the Bible and somewhere in the middle my brain has left the scene though my eyes keep reading the text. I get to the end and have to re-read. Have you ever read a sentence three or four times and it hasn't sunk in?

Now, just for clarification and before you diagnose me with Attention Deficit Disorder. I think this is quite normal human behavior for our thoughts to drift off into other spaces. We always seem to focus on the past or the future but hardly ever in the present. And so every once in awhile God needs to shout out to us, to wake us up from our slumber, to in a sense change things up for us, and the season of Lent is just such an opportunity.

This text of Isaiah calls us to be attentive to the ways in which we are honoring God. We fast, but do we fast and give the money to the poor? We read the Bible but do we practice what it says? Do we allow it to change our lives, making us kinder, more loving, more Christ-like? We pray, but are we willing to listen for answers? Are we willing to offer God more than our wish lists? We attend worship, but are we more focused on the music, the symbols, the decorations, the speakers, on what we like and dislike, than on our God whom we worship?

God calls us to attention this Lenten season. It is a time for us to ask ourselves how we will be more attentive to God, to each other, to the community. In a little while, we will receive ashes on our foreheads. Traditionally, these ashes come from burning the palm fronds used to celebrate Palm Sunday the previous year. It is so poignant to me how yesterday's means of praise becomes ash to us. Dead to us. So as you receive the ashes tonight I invite you to become quiet and introspective. Examine your spiritual life. What needs to be mourned and given up for ash? We will also be receiving communion tonight. With this sacred meal of resurrection we remember life. And so I also invite you to examine your spiritual life for what you might add to bring life? What needs to be born in you? What needs to be resurrected?

My daughter this week asked me what I was giving up for Lent. "Nothing," I said. "You're not giving up anything." "No," I said, "but I'm adding two or three things." Her eyes lit up. She asked, "Can you do that?" "Oh certainly, I said."

So this season, I give you the same freedom as my daughter, to let go of those things that are spiritually dead for you and embrace the things that make your spirit glow with the light of God.

Amen.

To Preach Again

I really miss preaching. More and more, my ministry becomes less and less about preaching. As a youth leader and one of three pastors in the church my preaching opportunities are limited.
I love crafting a serm0n. I love studying the text and thinking about it's meaning. I love embodying it as it is delivered. And I love the challenge of discerning how the Spirit is weaving the lectionary into happenings in the church and community.
It is my joy to preach.
I think I'll just have to start blogging more. And perhaps that is where the real preaching happens anymore at least for much of the population.
I will miss the embodiment of delivery. There isn't much embodiment in the written word, and yet a well written piece communicates not only a message but an image. At least for me it does.
So, once again the stream flows past trees and the Spirit that calls me to preach, continues to do so. Perhaps it will be even more meaningful for me to preach without the promise of an audience. And for sure.....there are things I can say here that would be costly if said in the local church.

Zombieland Rules for Thriving in the Church

Thursday night I was at a lecture conducted by Marcus Borg and others on progressive Christianity. While nothing new was learned by me, I resonated with what was being said on a deeply personal level.
One young pastor responded to what Marcus Borg said about the church and I was deeply inspired. Her name is Nadia Bolz-Weber. The first thing you notice is the tattoos all over her arms, almost sleeved but not quite. The second thing you can't help but notice is her powerful voice which throws out challenge coupled with inspiration, wrapped in a package of sarcasm. It is evident that she loves the church. It is evident that she loves her denomination. It is evident that she is a world-changer.
She made me laugh as she described herself running as the Lutheran church crumbled behind her. I believed the audience could visualize scenes of those action movies where world destruction is happening and the hero is running like hell. Isn't that how it feels to be a pastor these days!
The church as we know it is crumbling. Some are clinging to that last object of recollection of the world as it was. Some are turning back toward the crumbling building to see if they can save those who refuse to leave it. Some are running like hell to save themselves. And others are running as fast as they can, integrity and truth in hand, so that we all can survive.
We all react differently to the communal and individual stresses in our lives. At times we all play these different roles in the dance of life. Sometimes we cannot help but cling to what was. Other times we run like hell to save ourselves because the destruction is so evident and so overwhelming. Often we try to be heroes saving others from their own destruction, risking ourselves and our integrity in the process. And we might, find ourselves running with integrity and truth toward an unknown future, scared that we will be swallowed up, sure that what we are doing is right.
I am done trying to save others from their own destruction and risking my integrity in the process. I have been tempted to run for my own survival. But it is time for me to run with integrity and truth towards that unknown future. I know the Spiritual Zombies are on my trail trying to pull be down and consume my brains, making me into one of them. So I need to learn to run and I need to know how to survive. Here are the rules. Thanks Zombieland for the education!

Rule 1 Cardio--Be sure you are fit to run like hell, so take the time to sustain and care for self.
Rule 2: Double-Tap--Make sure the dead, stays dead and do not let it arise to consume you.
Rule 3: Beware of the Bathrooms--Or any building....that may pull you under for it's own needs.
Rule 4: Wear Seatbelts--Make sure your ready for sudden stops and turns along the way.
Rule 5: No attachments-- to Zombies....you will need to leave behind those who are diseased

Rule 6: The "Skillet"--Use whatever you have on hand to survive--then you can travel light
Rule 7: Travel light--Don't take along the sacred cows--way too heavy!
Rule 8: Get a Kick Ass Partner--AMEN!! Don't try this alone.
Rule 12: Bounty Paper Towels--If you have to absorb anything, do so and then throw it away!
Rule 15: Bowling Ball--take out your frustrations by doing something fun once in awhile
Rule 17: Don't be a Hero/Be a Hero--know when to fight and when to run.
Rule 18: Limber up--remain flexible....remember the dead and undead are stiff.
Rule 21: Avoid Strip Clubs--Don't get distracted or lured in to something that seems good.
Rule 22: When in Doubt, know Your Way Out--always know where the door to freedom lies
Rule 29: The Buddy System--Rely on one another....watch each other's back
Rule 31: Check the Back Seat--somethings lay hidden and waiting to pounce
Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things--eat the damn twinkie, you only live once, so live!
Rule 33: Swiss Army Knife--Have multi-functional tools in order to survive
Rule 48: Hygiene--Life is messy, so make sure you take care of yourself first.

A Wake Up

This day I no longer have my mother to call on the phone. There are not just miles between us there are worlds. Perhaps that has been true most of my life. The twists and turns of our relationship have never been healed. And now she is gone.

And because of that tumultuous relationship, I worry about my own mother/daughter relationship. I worry that I fail my daughter. Not in the same ways my mother failed me, but in different ways.

Sometimes I can't hear her in her silence. Sometimes I cannot calm the fears that reside within her. Sometimes I just don't know when to hang on and when to let go. She and I are different and the same. I know that she needs to be held, because I do too when I'm lonely, or scared, or sad. I know that words just aren't enough for her sometimes, that she sees beyond words to body language and sincerity. And yet I see too, how words are a valuable commodity to her as well. I fail her though. I know she likes predictability and often I am inconsistent. I know she likes calmness, and I am intense. I know she likes to know plans and I am horrible at planning.

Today, when she woke up she came downstairs and the first words out of her mouth were "Happy Mother's Day!" She said these words with a sparkle in her eyes, then she promptly plopped down on the couch to wake up some more.

I laid beside her on the couch holding her. And I said,

"Thank you for making me a mother."

"But I didn't make you a mother, Thom did."

"You made me a different kind of mother. You made me a cuddly and quiet mother."

I nuzzled into her and held tighter. Again I said, "Thank you, Mikayla" She beamed.


Sometimes I get it right. And sometimes I am just the mother Mikayla needs. I know that I won't always love her perfectly, but these moments remind me that I can be the best mother I know how to be. And so my hope is to have the grace and love to become what we both need.

Easter Illuminati

It's been such a long time since I've written for me. I find it refreshing. Not that I don't write for me all the time. My sermons are usually a message I need to hear. But it's nice not to have to consider how others will interpret my writing.

I write here on the blog, but I also write in a personal journal and a prayer journal. In those journals I can be truly free to write all the ugliness, shame, and sadness and beautiful things like love and grace and forgiveness in a truly intimate way.

I used to write a prayer journal every day. I would read a set of Biblical passages and see what was speaking to me and write on it, usually in the form of prayer. It was Lectio Divina before I even knew what that was. Unfortunately sometime during seminary I lost that practice. I lost God too. Maybe the two coincided. Actually, I'm pretty sure they coincided.

The good news is, I have restored my relationship with God, and with Lectio. And those writings and prayers are helping me restore, redeem, and even resurrect the relationship with myself and others.

And like THE GOOD NEWS, resurrection offers a new body, unlike the one before. A new relationship with myself, with those I love, and with God. Relationships even better than before, healthier, trusting, and full of life. It brings me hope and promise.

Perhaps that is why Easter season lasts forty days........a completeness.

Gracious and Loving God, thank you for starting this transformation, rebirth and resurrection in me this Easter season. And though you and I KNOW that it will take longer than 40 days....I look forward to the journey and to the new habits that are being formed this Easter. Amen.

Like the Prodigal's Father

I wish I had a dog growing up. When I was a child I only had cats. But cats are so different than dogs in the way they react to feeling. My dog senses my feelings sometimes before I even do. He reflects that feeling somehow. Either he comes and sits near me, or he wags his tail in excitement. He even expresses his concern.

When the feeling is intense...sadness or anger, he becomes distant.....perhaps it is too much for even him. But he is never far away. And if the sadness is less intense, he will let me stroke him and hug him and cry. He has his own needs....he often comes over and insists on me petting him. He gets jealous if I give attention to our other dog. Sometimes hes bored and sometimes I think hes a little sad too.

But he loves unconditionally. He loves my children unconditionally. He loves me unconditionally. And though he doesn't understand words he certainly understands love and devotion, and feelings.

He was what I needed as a kid. I could've told him my secrets. He could have witnessed all that happened in my life and held steadfast, still loving. Abiding in my pain. My cats just didn't do that. They weren't very devoted....rather self-centered and aloof most of the time. They witnessed but they ran. They wanted no part of that nonsense. And feelings, well they didn't want much to do with that either.

And so while at times I have understood cats and their need to be independent. I really cherish the devotion, forgiveness, steadfastness of my dogs who love me just as I am. I long to be like them, full of love and life and devotion. As God-like as them. Full of grace and love and forgiveness, unafraid of true feelings.

I thank God for sending dogs, especially Pretzel into my life, that I may know that unconditional love and expectation of all I can become. And I have always wondered at the significance that Dog backward is God. It works for me.

To be held

I need to be held

and just cry into someone's arms

to cry with lament and regret

to cry for loss and sadness and grief



To feel the warmth of love

Someone who will comfort



Such loss cries out for deliverance

For awakening from the darkness of a tomb

a tomb of darkness and violence

of pain and wrath and anger



I seek the comfort of the Mary's

those who mourn for their loss too

I seek the respite and ritual

of letting the past be annointed

with spices and flowers and fragrance



But there is no body left to mourn

nothing but past memories

of things said and not said

things done and not done

things that could've been and maybe even should have been



I want to lean on the Mary's

as I enter that dark tomb and come out again

with no answers but only questions

I want to keep that secret with the womankind

of knowing from the heart and mourning with no words



I want to just hold and be held

and cry tears until there are none left

As I walked in the neighborhood where my church lies, a place where many immigrants legal and not reside, I came across this sign.

It was placed on a newstand. It REALLY offended me on multivalent levels. First the derogatory nature and then the pure blasphemy of using God's name to promote hatred.

The quoted "scripture" does not exist in any of about 16 versions of the Bible I resourced. I don't think it exists in the Bible at all but was made up.

Now I am not a Biblical literalist anyway, so to attribute any words directly to God seems to be a dangerous propostion in any context, but when it is used to promote hate it is unconscionable and downright offensive. It makes me ashamed of being a Christian. After seeing this I was so upset and was in need of prayer. So I wrote the following Psalm.

Those who have hatred in their hearts
whose tongues breed fear
Make mockery of your grace
and profane your name

Pasting words of hatred
upon words of hope
Creating victims of oppression
where you call us to be free

Slandering your holy name
trading it for injustice
Stamping upon the back
of those you favor

How long must they get away with it?
How is it they are the popular and privileged ones?
Will fear and prejudice always win over love?
Where is your justice, O God?
Is it in me?

I shall wash your holy name clean
Unstick it from its grave
Speak for the abandoned
for those who are not seen

The wetbacks some are called
a pejorative hateful word of racism
They try to banish and yet secretly hire them
from where they stand

O God, your freedom cries out.
Your word must be set free
from those who call themselves holy.

We are a lost nation God
calling out from the depths of corruption and greed
Do not abandon us, but give us your mercy
Uplift those who would speak grace in your name

Who will promise peace and mean it?
Who will keep their word and yours holy?
Who will work for good and not evil?

Come, Lord Jesus, Come
Come in the child, in the immigrant,
in the preachers and the teachers
in the wise and aged
and in the young and bright.

Bring forth your promised tomorrow, today.

I also did a sermon containing this story that prompted a family of my congregation to try to do something to render this sign harmless although it was glued to the newstand.

It is days where people are prompted to take action that I feel most called to ministry. Thank God for changed hearts, for active hearts, that show faithful love and acceptance.

Painting Prayers

I want to be an artist, but I never seem to find the time. My craft has become sermon writing, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I need something visual. I need to get back to painting.



There never seems to be enough time and too many excuses abound. My too messy house. My too busy ministry. My too lazy self.



I wish I could do it as a discipline. As a way to exercise prayerfulness.

I get inspired by the blog Painted Prayerbook http://paintedprayerbook.com where Jan Richardson paints liturgically and then blogs on it. And yet I haven't picked up a paint brush for about a year.

Part of my problem is inspiration......it comes when it comes and sometimes it comes at the most inconvenient times. I used to drop everything and respond to it, but I haven't had that luxury for the past three years.

I am so much better in touch with my self and my feelings when I can visualize them, physically exercising them out on a canvas or some other material. Crafting pain, joy, or wonderment through color and lines, smooth and rough surfaces. I can craft these things with words but it doesn't produce the same sort of satisfaction and expression that the visual arts gives me.

I'm writing this as a reminder that perhaps I'll look at this on my blog to remind myself to get out the paints and the canvas and get started.

Mi Familia

Family is such a meaningful and sometimes difficult word. Today in Spanish class we were learning the words for relationships in a family. This made me very lonely. We were asked to describe our families to one another. We were to talk about our mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, children.

As I described and thought of these people I became saddened and felt lonely.

Mi madre--Mi madre es muerte. Nothing else to say. I haven't learned yet how to say she was funny. She was red haired. We haven't gotten to was....we're just in the present.

Mi hermano--Mi hermano es simpatico. But we don't have a very close relationship since we grew up. There is some satisfaction in knowing that he is always there if I need him.

Mis abuelos son muertes. All of them.

Mi esposo-- Estoy divorciada. Enough said.

Mis ninos- Son fuertes de las corazones. Their hearts are strong, but I know they hurt.

Mi padre--I just told him Estoy divorciada.

That's my Spanish lesson for today. Mi familia. There are great and wonderful descriptions about them that I can share. Great memories. But unfortunately describing family also evokes difficult times and circumstances.

And yet that is the nature of family. Families go through difficult times, but they're still family.

And I am grateful for the family I do have....relatives and others that I have adopted as my own.
And I am grateful for my church family....though they drive me crazy sometimes.
I am grateful for todo mi familia.

He Who Crosses His Arms

I had seen this man at our church. He had come to Jim's service and then to mine a couple of times. He wanted to join, and so he entered my new member's class. I knew him, because he sat alone, because he held back, because he crossed his arms in front of his chest to protect himself. Yes, I had noticed him. And there he was in my class.

This class had 3 other people, a mother and daughter, and a recovering alcoholic. I had them introduce themselves. He addressed where he was from and how he had been a United Methodist his whole life. The rest of us had come from other denominations, that we had rejected and had joined the United Methodist Church because of its acceptance.

It became obvious why he held back, when he told us he was a recovering alcoholic, lived in the local halfway house, had left children behind with an ex-wife.

After the introductions we went over the Missions and Values the church had passed just months before I had gotten there. They were statements to be proud of, and I went over each one. I got to the statement that spoke of ministry with families of all diversity. I explained that the statement included all families....the single family, the divorced family, the homosexual family, and that we were serious about diversity....and that Jim and I were going to hold the church to this value. I asked if anyone had any questions or comments.

He spoke up, and told us all that after the divorce, he began to live an alternative lifestyle. And that the church, the United Methodist Church he worshipped in ,didn't approve, and how he had moved on. I responded by saying that I welcomed him, and was glad that he shared and how his experience, all of our experience add to faith and ministry. I also told him that if anyone ever gave him problems about his lifestyle, (anything but grace and love) he was to come to Jim or I and that we would be there to support him.

I looked into the other's eyes and with seriousness, I told them that as part of being members they were to uphold these values, and that if they saw anyone treating others with less than grace and love they were to act responsibly as members by speaking out against it. Reminding others of the values of the community they belonged to.

They nodded. The session continued, and as we said our goodbyes. One of the women took the man into her arms and embraced him with tears in her eyes. She had been accepted and knew that he would be accepted too.

The remarkable thing about this story is that before Jim and I came to this church it was known as the most conservative United Methodist Church in the valley. The senior pastor before us was part of the confessing movement, and the church has had an anti-homosexual group supported by pastors meeting there for years. And yet, the Spirit, she moves. Before we came, already a movement had begun. The Spirit began moving among a few members to change the missions and values and prepare the way for us.

This is my call. My call has always been to heal the damage the church has done to its people. The damage done to those within its walls and without. The damage done by hateful words, exclusionary behavior, isolation, inaction, and outright victimization. I wondered why I was called to this church. My first charge and so much damage to be undone.

But he, he reminds me why I am here. He, with crossed arms who sits with a critical eye of the church he once loved. Him, Jesus Christ revealed.

I

Move on out

The king went up to the house of the Lord, and with him went all the people of Judah, all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the priests, the prophets, and all the people, both small and great; he read in their hearing all the words of the book of the covenant that had been found in the house of the Lord. The king stood by a pillar and made a covenant before the Lord, to follow the Lord, keeping his commandments, his decrees, his statutes, with all his heart and all his soul, to perform the words of this covenant that were written in this book. All the people joined in the covenant.

The king commanded the high priest Hilkiah, the priests of the second order, and the guardians of the threshold, to bring out of the temple of the Lord all the vessels made for Baal, for Asherah, adn for all the host of heaven; he burned them outside Jerusalem in the fields of the Kidron, adn carried their ashes to Bethel. He deposed the idolatrous priests whom the kings of Judah had ordained to make offerings in the high places at the cities of Judah and around Jerusalem; those also who made offerings to Baal, to the sun, the moon, the constellations, and all the host of the heavens.

2 Kings 23: 2-5

Doesn't every church have their idols? The things the church needs to toss from its holy places. I feel like King Josiah upon coming to this church. Priests (leaders) have been appointed here that have done damage theologically. There are many divisions and divisive groups that have had control of this church and its time to claim this house as a house of worship once again. Can I be brave like Josiah and take the heave ho to all the things unsacred in this church?

God who rebirths
Help me to make your house a home
a home and refuge for all who are hurting
all who are oppressed
all who are misunderstood.
Give me the strength to throw out the
revered idols of the past and
bring fresh Spirit into your temple.
Amen

Supreme Teacher

Have nothing to do with stupid and senseless controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth, and that they may escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.
2 Timothy 2: 23-26

I guess this means I can't hit people over the head either literally or figuratively. Ah, patience....it is so hard to come by. As I look toward next week and the start of my new ministry as Associate Pastor of a long standing traditional United Methodist Church, I know that there will be controversies, and things that make me want to bite my lip, or bite someone else.

This bit of wisdom reminds me to look at each situation and determine whether it is worth fighting for. What needs a gentle turn and patience and what needs to be prophetic. As a person who tends to be on the prophetic side, I must remember to walk with gentleness in order to turn peoples hearts.

In a church that is used to doing things a certain way, this is essential. How am I going to change their minds about including the "other". How am I going to teach them to see God in everyone, even those they don't understand or are at odds with? It's all teaching. I must take this advice given to Timothy as my own, and look at ignorance and hostility as teachable moments.


Supreme Teacher of all that is good,
Grace me with gentleness, patience, endurance
and fortitude to teach your people
about the love you have for all creatures
that unconditional love that we should
model as Jesus Christ did. Amen.

A prayer of strength and peace

As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hears, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. Colossians 3: 12-16

I need to clothe myself in everything but meekness. I do not need to be meek during this difficult situation. I need to clothe myself with love. Most of all love of self and love of my children. I long for the peace of Christ to rule, for wisdom to speak and for a just conciliation.

I need to be thankful, and let myself be nourished by the Spirit...through the psalms, hymns, songs, prayers, thoughts, and scriptures; secular and biblical.

Gracious and loving God,
I feel overwhelmed, fearful, and in need of your true love.
Be with me on this journey. I need your nurturing and guidance.
I need your strength and your steadfastness, Jesus.
I need your wisdom, Sophia.
Give me peace and patience, I pray.
Amen.

Not enough oil

As a woman who comes with oil to bear to anoint Jesus' feet, I wonder do I have enough oil.

You see, I am grateful for Jesus, his grace, his forgiveness of sins, his healing ways. Lately, I've been feeling like Mary Magdalene with her 7 demons. I don't think I have seven, yet I haven't really counted. I can come up with three off the top of my head though.

I think finally the grief of my mother, has caught up with other pressing griefs. And then there are the friendly demons....taking on a new ministry, graduating, annual conference.

I think I'm atop of the stressor scale, and haven't had much time to diffuse. Today and yesterday I had the urge to clean which is a sure sign that I need to process. I'm not a good processor by doing nothing......but when I'm busy physically I tend to think well. So tomorrow I hope my house is empty and I am able to do some thinking, processing, and grieving.

See-saw Self

For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it in patience.
Romans 8:24-25

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things left to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

I need to be reminded right now of God's perfect love for me though I love imperfectly. I can never measure up to the expectations placed on me as clergy.

This role that I have taken on, which I see as merely being available to God and God's people 24/7, is full of expectations I cannot possibly meet.

First of all there is the above job description. After all, I have a hard time praying. I focus on things that don't matter. And sometimes I am blindsided to people's needs.

Secondly, I must keep reminding myself of the people God chose to speak his words. When I remember David, Paul, Thomas, Deborah, Mary, I feel better knowing that God doesn't choose perfect people to speak through, more like perfectly flawed people. Well there you have it again.....God chooses a perfectly flawed woman to speak through. And so I struggle with my imperfect nature.....difficult nature, sinful nature despite knowing that I am truly called.

Politicians always worry about their public image. Hah!! try worrying about your public/private/self/spiritual images all at once......I think I need a PR angel.

Paul must have understood all this. After all, why would God call him. He was an egotistical zealot who killed, blamed, and tortured others. So I love it that Paul comes up with the notion that in hope we were saved. And since God is the one who "saves" us......it must be God who does the hoping. Hoping that we'll get a clue. Hoping that we will be of some use to the hurting world.

And so it is important that we know that NOTHING separates us from the love of God. So God hopes I am open enough to be of use. That I don't block the Spirit by self-wallowing, self-pity, self-denial, self-deprecation, self-esteem, self-aggrandizement......as a matter of fact self-opinion interferes with listening and being open to the Spirit's guidance.

So it is a delicate balance between self-awareness so that I may improve my actions toward love. And self-less-ness so that God may enter in and heal myself, others, and the world.

I need to tip the scales a bit I think.

Stone heart, take heart

I will make you a new heart,
breathe new spirit into you.
I will remove your heart of stone,
give you back a heart of flesh.
(Remembering the Women, 300.)


It is my shame that I know what it is to live with a heart of stone.

A heart of stone comes with not living authentically, no honoring yourself or what you know. When you truly do not embrace your own spirit, your own inner core, you become deadened.

Perhaps you even really die in some ways.

Like a thousand birds pecking you over the years, not enough to kill you at once, in fact, often you never notice their tiny bites, after all they don't seem to hurt that bad. And then you realize, as you wonder why you can barely walk, the devestation they have caused over the years. Tiny indescribable and minor grievances that have pecked away at your soul.

And the only way to survive, to make peace, is to developed that hardened heart, or mind, or soul, or belief. After all it is a lot harder to peck away at stone. Stone doesn't live. Stone doesn't breathe, or move, or speak. It just exists.

In seminary, I kwew of many people whose hearts were awakened. Who received new hearts and new spirits. I am one of them. And yet I struggle.

Because those birds are still pecking. Silently. But I feel them more than ever. I want to kick them, to shoo them away. I can now. I am no longer stone. Praise God.

Life giving, stone turning, breath of presence
who inspires the kicking of flesh destroyers big and small,
You who have brought rhythm to rock
soft light to brokeness
Be the wind upon my face reminding me that I am
moving flesh, unbounded

Amen

Finding Sophia

Does not wisdom call,
and does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights, beside the way,
at the crossroads she takes her stand;
beside the gates in front of the town,
at the entrance of the portals she cries out:
"To you, O people, I call,
and my cry is to all that live."

(Remembering the Women, 298)


I love that wisdom and understanding are feminine. But even more, I like that she stands at the crossroads, that she raises her voice, that she seems to be everywhere.

And her message, her message is for all who live.

I just graduated from Claremont School of Theology this past weekend. Graduation often calls us to reflect on the years past and how they have been shaped. One thing I can say that I most definitely learned from seminary is "my voice."

I learned it in all kinds of ways. I learned it from Carol--- who believes that you can speak things into becoming. I learned it from Karen--who taught me the beauty and deep meaning of words as powerful truths to be expressed with both determination and care. I learned it from Sally as she gently set her voice free.

And I heard my own voice reflected back to me from many, many, friends and colleagues, so that I could hear it for the first time.

So in seminary I finally heard my voice. It is powerful...it has a lot to say...but I can't really say that it is my voice alone. It is more like a powerful force of the Spirit moving through me, crafting words that never would normally come out of my mouth. It is a weird and wonderful thing.

I think her name is Sophia.

Mother's don't break hearts, do they?

A little sad today. At least it didn't really hit me till now.

Of course I don't know if it is related to my mom, tough words that I needed to say that my husband didn't want to hear, or all the friends I will miss from seminary. I don't know.

I do miss my mom. I thought about getting out her yearbook and recording her memories onto computer files so I could preserve them for my children. But, I never got around to it.

It's not that my day hasn't been busy. I am currently covering a 4 ft. paper lantern in blue and green tissue paper to represent the Earth. It is part of a decoration for the Baccalaureate service.

That's another thing. I don't really want to leave school. Because then, I have to face reality, and I'm not so sure I'm ready to do so. Seminary was like permission to take care of myself; to be number one for a change, instead of putting everyone elses needs first.

Guess that's the thing that maybe I'm sad about. My mother taught me to sacrifice myself at all costs, as if I what I wanted didn't matter. This is what she did. Of course, it did make her quite abusive, as soon as all that pent up rage was unleashed. So I have spent my childhood and much of my adulthood sacrificing my own desires for my mother.

Then I put my husband's needs above my own, and then my kids. I was always last. And it seems that at times I don't even know where to begin to claim my freedom back. It all seems overwhelming.

And yet, my soul has been crying for years to be free, through depression, through artistic expression, through desparately wanting to run away. At seminary I had true freedom, and I dread having to go back to hardly any.

I made it this way, so how do I unbreak it, without breaking hearts.