Ritual for Mom

As I write this I am doing a ritual. I have sorted through my mother's paperwork. And boy did she save everything, every bill, many receipts. There is tons of information about my mother on these documents from personal information to credit card numbers.



My brother has a shredder at work, but I decided to do a ritual. I am burning all of these documents in an old metal popcorn can my mom had lying around. I find it appropriate that it has snowmen on the outside of it. Of course they're not melting, but they're pretty sooty by now. She had a lot of documents.



I kept all of the important stuff, so don't be worried. I'm finding it very therapeutic to burn these items. It is also very therapeutic to have coconut rum while I am doing it. It's nice to unburden my mother from all of these obligations. Mostly monetary.



But I am saving the best for last. The grande finale will be the medical reports, all the Xrays, physical exams, CT scans that never really diagnosed her with what finally got her in the end. My mom remains an enigma. A woman who can't be predicted. Who can't be pinned down to a single diagnosis.



I will deliciously enjoy watching the cancer, the diabetes, the high blood pressure, the liver disease all go up in flame. I want to unburden her. She is unburdened already, I know. But this is one last gift of freedom I can give.

Too late for goodbye

I tried to make it, I really did. I got a blister on my foot trying. But the airplane was late and I missed my connection. So I spent a night in Las Vegas waiting for another flight. My original flight would have landed at 7:07a.m. She died at 8:45a.m.

She wanted it that way. My mother never did like to say goodbye to me. In fact she would start an argument with me everytime we had to part. It was as if my mom needed to justify leaving me, that somehow it was good that she was leaving because we just couldn't get along or something.

I didn't at the time, but I realize now that it was a mental mechanism for her. A way of coping with having to part.

I said my goodbyes to my mom long ago in some ways. Those times when there is needed separation from such a powerful force in your life. And then I said goodbye a couple of months ago when I knew she was starting to die. I knew and she knew, but it was a secret between us....as mother and daughter....as nurses. We knew she was entering this new phase of her life and had frank discussion about it. Well as much as we could without going into tears, and maintaining our safe distance from one another. It was intimate but not revealing.

That was the nature of our relationship, much love, much respect, much admiration and maybe even appreciation.....but none of that was said. It wasn't stated. We just didn't, couldn't communicate on that level....it was a loss to both of us.

Today my brother and I did the memorial service arrangements. Nothing fancy, but decent enough, all the important elements in place. That too is much like her. All the basics nothing fancy.

But I tell you she was well loved. So many people knew her and loved her. I do too. I really will miss my mom. But the things I do, the joy, the laughter I have reminds me so much of her. It is the gift she has passed along to me. The gracious gift that I hope to pass on to my children.

Many mothers and daughters have difficulties with one another. And believe me, were no different. But right now all those things seem insignificant. I just want her back. That's all. I can take all of her idiosyncracies to hear her great laugh.

But in my mind, in my soul, I can hear it. Praise God.

An Abundance of Peeps

Maybe I was inspired by the peep show on KC's blog. I don't know what got into me...but we have an abundance of peeps this Easter. I started out with yellow and green chicks for Thom my GB Packers fan. But he also said he liked Cocoa peeps (which by the way don't taste like cocoa at all, they just taste like regular peeps) so I bought cocoa peeps in the form of rabbits. We also have blue rabbits too because they're my daughter's favorite.

I say favorite with a bit of reservation. They are their favorites because well they're cute....but I don't think my children will really eat them. Peeps are aptly named....they're fun to look at. Maybe it's the right idea to make them into art. Brings new meaning to the lesson we learned in elementary not to eat our art supplies.

Ok, So Its an Easter Sermon that I start with

It isn't that significant that I start a blog at Easter. Easter week always gets me thinking. But I started thinking about it differently this year. I really looked at Easter through the eyes of a broken world.

It doesn't hurt that I just finished Walter Wink's "The Powers That Be." We often think of the people who killed Jesus, and more often than not the Jewish people were unfairly blamed. This is ridiculous...it wasn't the Jews, it wasn't the Christians, it wasn't even individual sin. What I believe killed Jesus was what Walter Wink calls the powers and principalities. That is, the systems and institutions we have set up as a society, and as nations. These are the governments, businesses, industries, and social instituitions like schools and churches that we have set up as a collective. The problem is they are flawed.

In a world that often runs on fears these flawed institutions hold onto power, resources, and bureaucracy, and none is immuned. These powers and principalities become corrupt at some level and can lead to heinous acts to preserve themselves. That brings me back to Jesus.

The power and principality called Rome killed Jesus. Jesus was a threat to the power, resources, and bureaucracy of the Roman governing system, not to mention religious powers as well. One called on the other to execute action that would ensure maintenance of the status quo. Jesus was a rebel. He dared to live out through action his voice of non-violence.

But I cannot only talk of Jesus' death on Easter Sunday without talking about his resurrection. Whether or not you believe in a bodily resurrection is of no consequence to me. Because regardless Jesus was resurrected. He lives within us. Everytime we take a stand against the status quo on behalf of those who are victims of violence, oppression, and ostracism there Jesus is. That Spirit....that willingness and strength to act against fear and helplessness comes to us. Alleluia. He is risen, risen indeed.