Unraveling the stitches

Grief upon grief....so much sadness, there aren't enough tears.

Tears for my mother....for all her pain, for all her sadness. For all that she wished she could be. For all the sacrifice she made to make others happy while she fell deeper into lowness and anger.

Tears for what could've been. For choices that I made to compromise. And now I hurt others, hurt myself, loving what could have been, that wasn't meant for me. Knowing I have caused damage to people I love.

Grief upon grief. Bitter tears and little hope. Chances taken that I could become the daughter my mother hoped for, to live the life she dreamed of. And now, she is gone, and my life unravels thread by thread, the picture of my life dissolving from my eyes. That picture was never knotted, never firm, always ready to be unraveled. And so it does. There the canvas is bared
to be threaded again.

This time will there be knots to hold everything in place? A firm foundation on which to build a life?

But then there are threads that can never be pulled. The remainders, firmly knotted, interwoven within the canvas. There remains the foundation that has been created, on which to build. Nurture those threads. And grieve for the others, as the work begins anew.

Tag by Karen

Depth Brings Beauty, Surprise, and Joy

Go Hillary!

I am so glad that I voted for Hillary. I don't know if she'll win, but I am more convinced than every that she is the best candidate.

Finally, there is someone who is speaking and taking stands at political risk for things she believes in. And of course I like her because I agree with the things she stands for.

Today on CNN I heard that she took a stand on the Olympics in China. She doesn't think the President of the United States should be at the opening ceremony as a stand against the human rights violations of China. I think this is a brave and risky stance. But finally, finally, someone is willing to stand up on behalf of people over economics. Hillary is willing to stand up against a nation that has held most favored nation status (China) for years in the U.S. And why have they gained this status....because of the economic prosperity the US gains from this relationship. But human rights violations have been going on for decades. Can anyone forget the college student standing against the tank in Tianman (sp.?) Square?

Then I turned to the Ellen show and heard that she is going to campaign for gay rights in the U.S. She believes that gay couple should be able to become beneficiaries, have entitlement and family priviledges in institutions, insurance, and all the rights married couples have. YES! Someone who is looking out for the marginalized, not the powerful and privileged.

I am proud to have voted for her. I proud of this gutsy woman who is willing to take a stand, even if it means losing her career over it. She is a role model for me and all women, children, and men who believe in truth and justice over economic and political prosperity.

Mom's Eulogy

My mother had a great smile and a hearty laugh. The kind of laugh where you knew that she was in the room. These are some of the things I inherited from her. People say to me, I knew you were here because I heard you laugh. And that laughter was present throughout her life, right up until the end. She had hard times we all know, but she always was quick with a laugh….making someone else break into a smile or hearty laughter………laughing at herself to lessen the seriousness of the moment.
When my mother was undergoing chemotherapy, my kids, husband, and I came to visit her. After greeting her at the door with her carefully placed do-rag as she called it we brought our bags to the back bedroom. There awaited a surprise for us. Growing up my brother had a life-sized bust of Spiderman. It was red plastic with prominent spidey-eyes. As we entered the room we came face to face with Spidey and his carefully placed and coiffed blonde wig. It struck me as funny. My mom….famous for her red hair in high school, hated to lose that wonderful hair because of Chemo. She would gain it all back after her treatment. Still red….naturally red, free from any dye. But in that time of loss….personal loss. She found a way to control that bit of sadness with her great senses of humor. Taking the hair, the fake hair that didn’t quite fit her and bequeathing it to her bald companion Spidey who needed it more than her.
In one of the last conversations I had with my mother, she had plans for escaping out of her ICU bed at Florida Medical Center. She knew she had to go down three floors…..but it made her laugh at herself to know she didn’t know what to do next. And I think we both envisioned her in that backless gown standing in the lobby she had worked in for 20 years. So in that serious time, that time when we both knew my mother was dying, she broke that tension with our great laughs echoing through the phone line. That is what she left me with….that was the last joke I was privileged to hear, to share.
When the times were rough and hard….the sad times, the difficult times…..laughter prevailed for mom comforting her and those around her. That is the gift of joy. Joy isn’t like happiness. It doesn’t come and go….it is always there. Through the good and bad. It brings hope….that there is always room for lightness and laughter even through the most difficult times. This joy is the incredible gift I have received from her. It is the gift many of us had the pleasure to witness.
And so in this time where we mourn our loss….of this great woman who touched all of us in special ways, there remains joy…..and the resounding laughter and smiles present in our memories of her. And hope, that there remain many more laughs in heaven above for all of us when we get to be with her again.
Gracious God, as we remember Carol, Desi, Essie, mom and sister, we know that you blessed us with the gift of laughter, joy, and hope through this beautiful woman. And we thank you for the time we had with her for she lavished us with those gifts you had given. In this time of mourning bring us that joy she taught us, that she would want to give us. Creator of life, who brings love and joy through laughter, we thank you for mom’s life, and we thank you for our lives touched by her. Amen.